Empty Arms

This time last week I was excitedly awaiting for morning. At 9:00 am I had an ultrasound scheduled for the first glimpse of my baby. I was 8 weeks 5 days pregnant and so very excited about this new life. My husband and I spent many years deciding whether to have a second child because of the issues surrounding our first daughter's birth. We nearly lost her and she spent 49 agonizing days in the NICU. We weren't sure we could do this again.


Late last year we decided it was time to start trying. We weren't really trying, just not trying to prevent a pregnancy. We weren't charting, we weren't planning, we were just enjoying our time together. 


On May 8th, I got up early. I was four days late and feeling weird. On a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. I cried when "PREGNANT" popped up. I cried when I told my husband (before he was even out of bed). While we both spent the day in a little bit of shock, we were very excited. We decided to keep the news to ourselves until after I'd seen the doctor. Three and a half weeks to wait . . . 


On Tuesday morning, we were going to see our baby. I was so happy to see the baby on the monitor but as the tech was taking measurements and such, I could tell something wasn't right with her. I finally asked about a heartbeat and she said there was one, it was just starting, but the equipment wasn't good enough to hear it, just to see it on the color doppler. Made me wonder a little, but I accepted it. And then she asked how far along I was supposed to be--almost 9 weeks. She said the baby was measuring 6 weeks and 1 day and she figured they'd do blood work and check my hormone levels. 


She ushered me to the waiting area with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sat there with my husband and daughter and cried for 30 minutes while I waited to be seen by the nurse practitioner. Finally, I was called back by the nurse. She saw how upset I was and asked if I wasn't happy about the pregnancy and I explained my concerns with the baby measuring so small. She kind of blew me off and said I must have had the dates wrong. Because we were starting to take the process a little more seriously, I knew for a fact when my last period was and the exact dates we had sex. I was 95% sure of when I ovulated--they say science doesn't lie so I knew I should be nearly 9 weeks along. No convincing the "experts" though--in their eyes I was mistaken. 


Needless to say, my blood pressure was through the roof both times they took it. The NP tried to insist on blood pressure medication--I refused. Obviously, I was worried and by that time I'd cried for an hour. Why wouldn't my blood pressure be up? I was told to monitor it for the week and they scheduled me to come back in a week for another ultrasound to check the baby's growth. 


We went back and forth all day whether or not to tell our parents. Finally, the excitement got the best of us and we spilled the beans but asked that it not be shared until we gave the go ahead. We explained the issues but were relatively confident everything would be fine. 


The first few weeks I was pregnant I had some nausea--nothing too bad but it was there. I remember about three weeks ago telling my husband that it seemed like most of my symptoms had stopped. My breasts were still sore and I was still tired, but the nausea had disappeared and some days I wasn't tired at all. I just felt off. I think I knew somehow that I was no longer pregnant even though I was so hopeful that maybe this pregnancy would be much easier than my first. 


Wednesday evening I started spotting. I never spotted during my first pregnancy and even though I know some spotting can happen, I knew something was wrong. My husband ordered me to the couch for the evening and kept trying to reassure me. Thursday morning, there was bright red. And I called my husband and told him I was losing the baby. Again, he tried to be positive and reassuring but I could hear the fear in his voice. I was a mess. I didn't move much during the day and the spotting came and went but before bed, there was a lot of bright red and I had to face reality. 


I went to bed sobbing. My husband held me but my body had rejected my precious baby. I barely slept all night and as early as I possibly could, I called my doctor's office. My doctor wasn't in the office on Friday but when I explained what was happening, he made a special trip in. 


The 30 minute drive to the office was the longest of my life. I prayed and cried but I knew what I was going to hear. I tried to prepare myself. I tried to reason it all out. But when the ultrasound tech couldn't find a heart beat, I lost it. My heart was shattered. My husband was devastated. 


My doctor came in and explained what was happening and what I could expect. He said over and over that this wasn't something I caused. I know that, but still you wonder. As I sat in the dimly lit exam room, my mind went over everything from the last month. Our hopes and dreams for this little one were gone. We would never hold this miracle in our arms. 


What an agonizing weekend. The physical pain is excruciating. I have never had cramps that were that bad--maybe a day of a little pain but then I'm fine. This was unimaginable. I was not prepared for this pain. What little bit of labor I experienced before my emergency c-section did not hurt this bad. And it was a constant reminder of what was going on in my body. I was losing what was left of my little baby. The mental anguish is hard enough to deal with but coupled with this pain it is pure torture. 


I have cried so many tears. My heart aches, my body aches, my arms ache. My husband has set aside his grief to tend to me. I have tried not to diminish his pain in this. This is a nightmare for both of us. 


Our family is trying to be supportive but none of them have been through this before. They don't know what to say or what to do. I don't know what I want said or done. I really just want to be left alone with my husband to mourn. 


I totally understand how women can feel at fault in this process though. Everyone is scared to talk about it, to bring it up. Yes, the mention of my loss will bring me to tears but not mentioning it doesn't make it easier to cope. It makes me feel very lonely. I've never been through this before either but this was my child. I'm not going to forget about it. Yes, I'm very thankful for my healthy, happy five year old but my heart still aches for this child we will never get to know. I still have to process these feelings--I have to find a way to move forward and I need help doing so. It can't all be left for my husband to deal with--he has his own grief to process, too. 


I have a friend I have been talking to some--she went through this same thing two years ago. She had a subsequent successful pregnancy and now has a one year old. But she warned me that this pain still lingers and the least little thing can trigger it. 


I know I will come through this stronger. I know my marriage will be stronger. But I'm not feeling very strong right now. I'm crushed. We want to try again but we're terrified. We are people of faith. We have intimate relationships with Christ, our Savior. We understand the biology behind a miscarriage . . . chromosomal failures most likely to blame. But still, it hurts. 


I know that until my body stops hurting so much from this process that my mind will not get any rest. I am trying to find ways to worship God through this instead of being angry. I know He doesn't give me more than I can handle. I know that great things lie ahead for me. But getting through this fog is going to take a lot of time and prayer. I just can't handle everyone acting like nothing has happened or not mentioning this for fear of upsetting me. It has happened. It is ugly and it is painful, physically and emotionally. I don't understand this from a mother's point of view but I have to trust in the Lord's will for my life.


I know that I am not alone in my pain. Many women suffer this same tragedy but few talk about it. It is not a shameful secret. I am not planning to publicize it but I'm also not going to hide it. I didn't do anything wrong. I loved that baby with all my heart and I tried my very best to give it a chance at life. I just pray we will be blessed with another healthy child and that time will lessen this pain.